Excerpts

Chapter One Lenny Milton trundled out to the mailbox in his quiet suburban neighborhood in San Jose. The four-foot-wide walkway to the sidewalk from the front door of his little rental house seemed to have narrowed gradually since he had moved his office into his home. Knowing it would only depress him, Lenny weighed in this morning anyway, tipping the scales at 342 pounds--a new high. If he'd been a six-foot-six monster lineman for the 49ers, he might be able to justify it. Instead, at five-foot-seven, he was a monster, all right, but more of the cookie variety. The sunlight, his first of the day, bounced awkwardly off his shiny nylon drawstring pants and silky blue Hawaiian shirt-- triple XL. Once again, he started to feel like a great big buffoon. For the thousandth time he resolved to do something about it.     Inside the mailbox, to his surprise and bewilderment, along with the usual dunning notices from credit card companies, was a large package marked PERISHABLE, bound in thickly padded white freezer wrap. Above Lenny's name and address in large red print it exclaimed: FREE SIRLOIN TIP INSIDE!     Tantalizing strands of wispy smoke were rising up from the words sirloin tip . Lenny couldn't believe that somebody would be dropping a free steak in his mailbox. This was manna from heaven. He flipped the large package over and read on: FREE INTRODUCTION! As a Loyal ThinkSoft Customer, You Are Invited to Become a Charter User of THE WHOLLY GRILL OUTDOOR COOKING INFORMATION SYSTEM. A Whole New Way to Enjoy Every'thing You Love About Barbecue. FREE Flash Frozen Sirloin Tip Pre-Marinated in Wholly Grill Barbecue Sauce! The Only Sauce with Smoke Crystals ... for a Burst of Hickory Flavor!     Instantly he was famished. He couldn't wait to fire up his trusty old Weber grill and try this newest taste sensation. He hurried into the house and tore off the outer package. A brochure in dazzling colors, featuring a state-of-the-art grill, fell out onto the kitchen table. The sirloin tip was surrounded by dry ice, bound in more white freezer wrap, and encased in clear plastic shrink-wrap. Beneath the shrink-wrap he read the notice: WARNING! BY BREAKING THE SEAL AND ACCESSING THE WHOLLY GRILL MARINATED MEAT, YOU AGREE THAT THE AFORESAID MEAT WILL BE PROMPTLY COOKED ON THE WHOLLY GRILL OUTDOOR COOKING INFORMATION SYSTEM ("THE SYSTEM") AND ONLY ON THE SYSTEM. SEE DETAILS TO LEARN HOW TO PURCHASE THE SYSTEM.     Lenny quickly read the brochure. The gift he received and the system he would have to purchase were from ThinkSoft's brand-new Wholly Grill division. Lenny had heard the company was making a new product announcement today. Could this be it? The latest thing from ThinkSoft! Lenny's home-office shelves were crammed with boxes of software from ThinkSoft, most of which he had received free in the mail. Having received them for free, he'd felt obliged to register as a user. Since he was registered, they sent him discount offers for software upgrades that, even if he wasn't using them, he'd ended up buying out of force of habit.     But this freebie wasn't going to require a mere software upgrade. It required the purchase of a grill with a whopping suggested retail price of $1299, and on top of that it cost another $3.95 per hour to connect the modem to a main computer that controlled its operation. He loved the idea of combining his passions for new technology and taste sensations under one hood. And he couldn't help but notice it was one helluva new gizmo. Unlike his Weber--which, now that he thought about it, produced uneven results--the black barbecue grill in the brochure, which resembled any large gas barbecue grill in size and shape, cooked with laser flames! And it was crammed with electronics--a small screen, a keyboard that pulled out from under the grill, and various ports and slots for plugging in yet-to-be-explained accessories.     "Wow!" Lenny said to himself. The glossy photos made it look tasty, too--with close-up shots of Wholly Grill Smoke Crystals, glistening on the barbecued meat, waiting to be crunched into. "For a burst of hickory flavor," it promised. That wasn't all. There was more: Purchase the System and Get 6 Consecutive Weeks of Assorted Wholly Grill Marinated BBQ Selections Delivered to Your Door at No Extra Charge , Just for Registering Now as a Wholly Grill Charter Member. A $200 Value!     The brochure went on to explain that in order to make fulfillment possible on the scale of the Wholly Grill North American Launch, the infotech giant had formed a "strategic alliance" with Axco Systems, an innovating meatpacker out of Lubbock, Texas, that was "fully committed to this initiative, results-oriented, and intently focused on technology's cutting edge in the same way as ThinkSoft." That sounded like smart business to Lenny, and the steady supply of meat sure added to a great buy.     Or was it? Lenny took a deep breath and put the brochure down. He could feel himself getting caught up in the moment again. Get real, he thought to himself. His finances were in ruins. He had been forced to cut costs by moving his small insurance sales business into his home. But he'd been a big failure in controlling expenses, too, having just purchased a third computer for the business when told he needed only one, and he had bought more software than he could possibly use.     And then there were the escalating food bills. Any money saved on rent for an office had been invested in snacks. The stress of his financial pressures was certainly one of the reasons he'd been looking for solace in his refrigerator.     Maybe he should store the free sirloin tip in his freezer until all his options were fully explored. He opened the door to his upright freezer and looked in.     The businessman inside Lenny could see that the outlook for tenants in search of freezer space was disheartening. Ben & Jerry held the choice lease on the top two levels, with an option on two more. Ice cream, sherbets, and frozen yogurts, all crammed in, made them an ideal anchor tenant. The other tenants were crowded into the remaining floors: Tater Tots, Tombstone Frozen Pizza, Aunt Jemima Waffles, Sara Lee Coffee Cake, Cool Whip, a box of frozen Snickers, and a tall stack of Lean Cuisine stuffed between Farmer John Sausages and Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks. All loyal tenants. He didn't have the heart to send even one of them packing.     He scanned the freezer one more time; there just wasn't any way to scooch anything a little more to the side to make room for the free package of meat. If he broke the seal of the shrink-wrap, cut the sirloin tip in half, and put the halves in smaller, separate plastic bags, he might manage to squeeze them in somewhere. But the terms on the package said he could only break the seal if he was going to cook the meat "promptly" with a Wholly Grill System purchased from ThinkSoft. That's what it said. That was the deal. Lenny was a man who could be counted on to hold up his end of a bargain.     He heard his dog, Lady J, wander into the kitchen and stand in front of his feet, although he couldn't see her below his shirt and stomach. She was a three-year-old Chihuahua with bat ears, Dumbo-sized in proportion to the rest of her. Her snout, like a big black olive at the end of a small pointy nose, formed such a strikingly perfect triangle, she appeared to have a third eye. He swore she was an "old soul," possessing an extra sense, difficult to explain, which he loved.     Picking her up and holding her in front of the freezer, he showed Lady J the freezer predicament. "What am I going to do, girl? See anything?"     Her little nose sniffed away at the freezer; then she squirmed to be put down. He set her down on the kitchen table--a favorite spot--up high and close to the action. Whenever she'd had enough of this perch, she would jump down to the chair and then to the floor.     He was beginning to unravel, alternating between anger at ThinkSoft for putting him in this quandary and despair at his own inability to come up with a solution. The idea of tossing directly into the Dumpster some gorgeous sirloin tip, pre-marinated in the latest taste sensation, disturbed him deeply--to the very pit of his stomach. He hated to see food wasted.     He noticed Lady J on the kitchen table pushing something around with her nose, determined to make it sit still so she could lick it. He quickly figured out what it was, recalling that he had torn off some leftover pork butt and eaten it on the way out to the mailbox. Lady J had found an envelope with just enough food smudges from Lenny's greasy fingers to tease her senses.     "Whatcha got there, Lady?" he asked her.     The target envelope, not surprisingly, hailed from a credit card company. Unlike the others, however, it was not a dunning notice. It was an offer of a new credit card from OmniCredit Bank of New York. He already had an OmniCredit visa card that was delinquent over ninety days. Perhaps the OmniCredit computer had forgotten. Perhaps OmniCredit thought he would be so grateful to be issued more credit, he would want to transfer the old balance onto a new card. Regardless of the thinking of OmniCredit, an idea was taking hold in Lenny's mind: Maybe it was his destiny to purchase a Wholly Grill Outdoor Cooking Information System after all.     The envelope, auspiciously pre-smeared in Lenny's favorite pork butt sauce, heralded the good news: PRE-APPROVED OMNICREDIT MASTERCARD! LOW 5.9% INTRODUCTORY RATE. SEE DETAILS INSIDE.     Flushed with excitement, he tore it open and found that he'd been pre-approved up to $2800! He read on. To activate the credit card, all he had to do was charge something.     Pre-marinated and pre-approved, all in the same day! It was a sign from the Big Kitchen in the Sky! He knew exactly what to do with the windfall that had dropped in his lap.     He picked up the brochure again to make sure he knew exactly what he was getting. It was a terrific buy, all things considered. Charter membership also entitled him to 50 HOURS FREE on-line grilling time, which could amount to months at an hour or less per day. Plus, by registering on-line with a valid credit card (to cover the eventual expiration of his free time), he would receive FREE the commemorative Wholly Grill Inaugural Collection barbecue set ($150 value), comprised of tongs, grippers, skewers, spatulas, meat forks, and kebob racks. Tilting the photo slightly to one side under his kitchen light, Lenny observed that the gleaming tongs, skewers, and meat forks, in particular, seemed to be gazing straight ahead--supremely pitiless, ready to pounce on those weekly deliveries to his mailbox. They all had been "specially engineered to interface with the powerful System software to ensure deployment of optimal taste intensity."     As if that weren't enough, a sheaf of 32 coupons--four sheets, eight apiece--dropped out of the brochure, offering up to $750 in savings toward future upgrades, add-ons, and sundry "tech-cessories" or toward the purchase of a backup System. How could he go wrong? Given the whole package--with the free meat subscription, the comped grilling time, the Inaugural Collection, and the coupons all thrown in--his decision turned out to be a no-brainer. The System was a real bargain by any measure.     Lenny felt great, too, that he had solved his dilemma. He'd found a way to lay his hands on the pre-marinated meat and still honor his end of the ThinkSoft deal. Later, when he talked to a lawyer, he learned he had also agreed to "assume all risks"--hazards to body and mind he knew nothing about, risks the company denied even existed. Much later, after his small case somehow ballooned into a monster class action affecting millions, his lawyers described what ThinkSoft did as a way to draw riches, like blood, from the weaknesses of people like Lenny. It turned out to be a horribly raw deal. But that was not clear until much later.     Right now the barbecue gods were smiling down on him.     "Good girl!" he said, scratching Lady J under the chin.     Lenny's many years as a loyal ThinkSoft user were paying off. He was getting the treatment he deserved. Not just any piece of meat, this was premium-select sirloin tip. By tonight, and with a creatively financed $1299, that sirloin tip would be laser-flame roasting on his own Wholly Grill Outdoor Cooking Information System-- free , at no personal cost to him.     Lenny rubbed his hands. Oh, boy, a high-tech burner for charring, searing, and sizzling! Just the way he liked. He was so sure of that. Excerpted from SECRETS OF THE WHOLLY GRILL by Lawrence G. Townsend. Copyright (c) 2002 by Lawrence G. Townsend. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.